Being sick

Warning: This entry contains mentions of violence.

I’m sick today. I feel low and like a burden. I cancelled going to the course, because I just felt so bad. I fail at whatever I do. I tried to complete my drawing, but it felt so daunting and did not turn out like I wanted it to. I have fleshed out my webcomic prologue in my mind, but I probably will not start it until I finished this drawing. It’s such a slog to finish it. I want to abandon it. I have also been thinking about the past. I remember a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood that I am not sure actually happened. They range from tv shows that were influential to me to traumatic memories. I had an imaginary friend in my childhood that was a character from one of the shows I watched. I could not find what cartoon she was from despite my searching. I also remember the instances of violence that I am not sure were real. They don’t happen anymore, so maybe I imagined them.

Everyone walks on eggshells around me, so I cannot ask them. Writing this out might actually make me remember them. I remember being hit multiple times, on my torso and legs. It was multiple instances over the years. I think they stopped at some point, if they were real. This happened many years ago. Most people would have moved on with their life, especially since it has stopped happening. There is a reason the helpline I found a while ago was directed towards children and teenagers. Most people my age are mentally stable. It is my fault for being like this. I dwell too much on things. Maybe the reason I get sick so much is because I am stressed all the time.

I got scolded again today. It feels horrible each time. Almost everyone around me knows about my mistakes. I’ve been listening to this song called Worry Cat. It is about a cat being stuck in a monotonous job and wanting more in life, but only dreams about it. I wonder if this is how being a working adult feels like. I would be so miserable as a working adult. Even more than now. I wonder if I will get a job one day.

Anyway, sorry for being pathetic as usual. I don’t know if anyone reads these. I probably write them for myself. This was probably the most concerning blog entry here.