I'm such a burdernpilled deadweightmaxxer

Living with irrational thoughts and compulsions is truly difficult. I might just do something basic like writing a sentence and suddenly I am gripped with the fear of something unrelated happening. When I was in school, this would cause me to rewrite sentences, repeat tasks and cancel plans. I still sometimes give in to these thoughts, but I think because of the medication, I can function more. Sometimes listening to music also distracts me. These days I listen to a lot of Alex G. Well, more like his unreleased songs. Something about Nintendo 64 especially makes me imagine scenarios in my head with my OCs. I also listen to Maretu, Mitski, VocaCircus.

Back when I was in university, I would spend most of the day listening to music. I would mostly play it in the background while I was busy with something else. I got used to having headphones on my head a lot of the time. Now, whenever there is some noise I don’t like I tend to put on the headphones to block it out.

However, I cannot always block things out. Today I got too worried for my health and headphones or music just can’t keep me distracted in this situation. I thought maybe writing would keep me occupied for a while. One of the most difficult parts is that people at home just do not take my worries seriously. They just think it is because I am unemployed and they think worrying is a choice I am making. It is so frustrating. Today I sent my CV to another business. I wonder if I will get accepted. Usually, I apply to jobs and they do not call me back. It makes me feel like a dead weight doing nothing with my life. I just cannot achieve anything.

Anyway, sorry for being a downer today. I haven’t been doing well. I usually distract myself with entertainment or other things, but I could not distract myself today. I feel bad about writing here, because it makes me feel whiny. It also feels whiny to complain to people irl. I use this blog mostly to vent my frustrations, but it does not help.