Hypochondriac blues

I feel full of pressure. Yesterday, I went to the ER, because I had a weird rash on my hands and I thought it was sepsis or meningitis. I rolled glass over it. Most of them faded when I did, except one. When I saw that it did not disappear when I pressed, I panicked. I started to breathe fast and I ran outside to the hospital. I waited an hour to be seen and the doctor said it was an allergy. I regret it so much. She prescribed me allergy medication, which I don’t like. I had side effects to allergy medication in the past. I’m also worried about it interacting with my other meds.

At the hospital, I was breathing fast all the time and struggling to sit still. Hospitals scare me. More than hospitals, the needles scare me. I was scared that they would do a blood draw, but they did not. They injected me with something, though. It was so tiring. Today, I still feel very tired. I have things to do today, but I’m lazing around. I also still did not re-read my notes from the KPSS course. I wonder now that I go to a course, am I no longer classified as a NEET. I have course today, too. I wonder if I will be tired at the course as well. I will probably go outside in a while. I know the tiredness is because I slept late, but my mind goes to scary possibilities. Being controlled by fear is so difficult. When did I get so miserable? Last time I remember being this worried was the pandemic.

On another note, I am thinking of getting a real journal. There are plenty of things I cannot share online. More things happen in my life than I write on here. I kept a journal in middle school, but I only wrote boring things on there. I also had an anxiety journal when I was in university that the dormitory psychologist told me to start, but I don’t write on it anymore. I might continue using it, but as a real journal.

I feel like a lot of what I write here show me as a very pathetic person. I feel bad about worrying people, if people are worrying over me. I want to get up, but my bed has a shackle on me. I just keep laying down. I am not sure about publishing this. I might delete later.